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Ann Tattler beamed in delight, unable to conceal her pleasure and surprise. She had scraped in a pass for “Continuity Class for Complete Beginners”. It had taken months, but under the excellent tutelage of Prof Frantic Moose, she had finally cracked it.

Her next hurdle was “Meaningful Writing for the Scattered Brain”.

Her pleasure evaporated somewhat when she read the pithy course description.

Things most profound can be found in the most shallow conversation. Prof Leone Laminae

Sadly, I am not sure that “profound” is one of my strong points, she confided later to her twin sister Sally.

They’re all as mad as hatters here, Heliptrope said to himself, as he looked in on the snoring pair before making his escape. It was a blessing in disguise when old Lavvie left me for Oleander.

Oh, lifting cupbaords. For a minute I thought he was yawning about all the short comments.

What on earth are you on about now, Heliptrope? asked Lavender, a trifle crossly.

Perhaps I will ask Mr Ark about “Eau de Nil” mused Lavender later that evening to Harvey.

Lavender your musing is really getting irritating. Can’t you ponder or something instead?

Well your nasal twang gets on my nerves but do I complain? retorted Lavender, snarkily, hurt by the unexpected outburst from her friend.

Well, mused Lavender, nil means nothing, and eau means water, so it must mean nothing water. No water? Nothing but water? What on earth could it mean?

Eau de Nil, what could the Fellowship mean? mused Lavender as she attempted to rectify her mistake on the green shade fiasco.

It was indeed a pickle that Lavender had gotten herself into. Cucumber Pickle Green, and two coats of it as well, and now the client was complaining that it was the wrong shade of green.

AH HA! shouted Harvey, with his distinctive nasal twang. I KNEW it was you really you Heliptrope! This is about W.A.R.P.E.D. and the dreaming fiasco isn’t it!

Dreaming fiasco? I can assure you that this is not about any dreaming fiasco. Although I shall be sure to mention this “dreaming fiasco” to the Fellowship upon my return, said Heliptrope, snarkily, feeling a little put out that his cover had been blown so quickly. No this is a message for Lavvie.

What is it? Is it about the piglets? I still feel guilty about giving them away.

Heliptrope sighed. Quiet both of you. The message is this: “Eau de Nil”

What? Eau de Nil? What in the name of Flove is Eau de Nil?

Heliptrope smiled mysteriously and took his leave.

Heliotrope rolled his eyes and reminded Harvey for the umpteenth time of the correct pronunciation of his name.

“And as for you Lavvie, I’d have thought that you’d have remembered!”

“Oh bugger off” Lavender replied, affectionately, and ran over and hugged Heliotrope long and hard.

“I love it when you talk nonsense in that sexy voice, Tina!” said Sam, unexpectedly poking his head round the door. “Say something rude!”

Tina rolled her eyes again, and harumphed.

“One liked rabbits and the other liked fish
And they all went rowing in a pink plastic dish.”

How’s that?” suggested Heliotrope helpfully.

“Oh bloody hell Tina, you daft tart” Becky said when she’d finished wiping pistachio green specks of sputum off her cheek. “You’re in the wrong place! Well, never mind, now you’re here, what rhymes with fish? Listen to this so far:

Sputum & Pistachio, Editors At Large
Lived on the river in an old blue barge
One liked rabbits and the other liked fish….”

What would be a good last line? asked Harvey.

What for? Lavender was distracted.

I am going to try my hand at creative writing. Seeing as I can’t do my nose lifting any more. So listen:

Sputum & Pistachio, Editors At Large
Lived on the river in an old blue barge
One liked rabbits and the other liked fish

What do you reckon?

doesn’t bloody matter they all make a tasty dish, suggested Lavender

Gave large,
Easily.

Bed leave:
Remember world forgotten?
Heard building events?
Book?

Against stories,
Future…

Whatever!

Tuning into her other focus Becky, which was happening with an alarming increase in frequency, Yoland scribbled down a few lines of what might loosely be termed poetry.

Methinks it’s time to ponder not
Upon the box of black and white
Methinks the time has come again
To thinketh not and ponder not
Upon the need to clear explain.
Begone, oh wordy facts, begone!
And leave me free to talk some rot
And note and jot alot of snaps
Of this and that, beguiling snips
Of snaps and wisps, of tongues and lights;
Hums and sparks of nonsense blips
And plates of eggs and french fried chips.

I’m running out of steam, said she

Report back now, Immediately

Toot! Toot!

“What I really love about this, Yoland” Grace said when she’d read her friend’s poem, “Is that it really is complete rubbish. I mean, it’s not cleverly pretending to be rubbish, it really IS rubbish. But I am feeling the energy, and I feel that you enjoyed posting utter rubbish, and that’s the feeling that counts.”

“Er….thanks, Grace…I think,” replied Yoland with a smirk.

“You rude tart” she added.

Well, what a coincidence. Yoland noticed that Jemima the cat had something wrong with her nose, just a few days after noticing that the white cat, Hilda, had something wrong with her nose.

Lavender was not really sure she understood what Harvey was talking about.

Poor thing. Does he feel like a frog with no sense of purpose? she wondered. The injury to his nose had been devastating of course, yet Lavender firmly believed that there was purpose to all things.

If you don’t believe that, then the whole system falls down, she had said to Harvey, in her sympathetic AND adorable voice.

What system is that? asked Harvey gloomily, wishing he had a voice like Lavenders. Since the accident there had been a distinct nasal twang to his voice. He thought miserably of how quickly W.A.R.P.E.D. had released him from his contract following a complaint from Sha and Glor after he had dropped the four poster bed. The additional weight of dear Lavender had just been a little too much, even for HIS nose. Not only that, he had he lost his weightlifting vocation and his good looks were also severely compromised. The surgeons had not been overly optimistic that his nose would ever completely recover.

well you weren’t really THAT good looking, said the softly voiced Lavender, hoping to cheer Harvey up.