The Eights’ Shift, Stories

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  • #98

      And Opening.

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    • #2239

      “The thing about continuity, Lavender” remarked Aspidistra “is that when it appears to be elusive or absent, it’s simply that most of the continuity is simply veiled from view.”

      “Well how do you know it’s continuous then? If it’s veiled from view, how do you know that the continuity is there?”

      “Trust, my dear, simply trust, and add to the continuity impulsively, spontaneously, and don’t worry about anyone elses glimpses of the continuity string.” Aspidistra added, somewhat patronizingly

      “Oh like you do, you mean” retorted Lavender with a snort.

      “I hope you’re not catching that Swine Flooh, dear” Aspidistra replied kindly, misinterpreting the snort.


      Lavender was not really sure she understood what Harvey was talking about.

      Poor thing. Does he feel like a frog with no sense of purpose? she wondered. The injury to his nose had been devastating of course, yet Lavender firmly believed that there was purpose to all things.

      If you don’t believe that, then the whole system falls down, she had said to Harvey, in her sympathetic AND adorable voice.

      What system is that? asked Harvey gloomily, wishing he had a voice like Lavenders. Since the accident there had been a distinct nasal twang to his voice. He thought miserably of how quickly W.A.R.P.E.D. had released him from his contract following a complaint from Sha and Glor after he had dropped the four poster bed. The additional weight of dear Lavender had just been a little too much, even for HIS nose. Not only that, he had he lost his weightlifting vocation and his good looks were also severely compromised. The surgeons had not been overly optimistic that his nose would ever completely recover.

      well you weren’t really THAT good looking, said the softly voiced Lavender, hoping to cheer Harvey up.


        :cat_black: Well, what a coincidence. Yoland noticed that Jemima the cat had something wrong with her nose, just a few days after noticing that the white cat, Hilda, had something wrong with her nose.



          Sputum & Pistachio, Editors At Large
          Lived on the river in an old blue barge
          One liked rabbits and the other liked fish



          What would be a good last line? asked Harvey.

          What for? Lavender was distracted.

          I am going to try my hand at creative writing. Seeing as I can’t do my nose lifting any more. So listen:

          Sputum & Pistachio, Editors At Large
          Lived on the river in an old blue barge
          One liked rabbits and the other liked fish

          What do you reckon?

          doesn’t bloody matter they all make a tasty dish, suggested Lavender


          Well, said Harvey kindly after a long and thoughtful pause. Perhaps creative writing isn’t your thing Lavender.


          “One liked rabbits and the other liked fish
          And they all went rowing in a pink plastic dish.”

          How’s that?” suggested Heliotrope helpfully.


          Hey Heliptrope! didn’t see you there, said Harvey warmly. Did you see Heliptrope come in Lavender?

          No! said Lavender, startled by the sudden intrusion of Heliptrope.


          Heliotrope rolled his eyes and reminded Harvey for the umpteenth time of the correct pronunciation of his name.

          “And as for you Lavvie, I’d have thought that you’d have remembered!”

          “Oh bugger off” Lavender replied, affectionately, and ran over and hugged Heliotrope long and hard.


          Grandma Heliotrope! How perfectly lovely to see you, she shouted joyfully. I thought for one awful moment you were Heliptrope!


          Now, now Lavvie dear, you know I detest hugging. Grandma Heliotrope extricated herself from Lavender’s embrace. It is so bohemian. If you wish to show me affection then a smile will suffice. A cup of hot vegemite would not go amiss either. Then I have an important message from the Fellowship for you. Sadly, you really have managed to get yourself in a pickle this time my dear Lavvie.


          Lavender’s embrace had very nearly dislodged Heliptropes curly grey wig, revealing his bald head. The Messengers of the Fellowship were always carefully disguised as bossy old bats, cunningly concealing their true identity.


          AH HA! shouted Harvey, with his distinctive nasal twang. I KNEW it was you really you Heliptrope! This is about W.A.R.P.E.D. and the dreaming fiasco isn’t it!

          Dreaming fiasco? I can assure you that this is not about any dreaming fiasco. Although I shall be sure to mention this “dreaming fiasco” to the Fellowship upon my return, said Heliptrope, snarkily, feeling a little put out that his cover had been blown so quickly. No this is a message for Lavvie.

          What is it? Is it about the piglets? I still feel guilty about giving them away.

          Heliptrope sighed. Quiet both of you. The message is this: “Eau de Nil”

          What? Eau de Nil? What in the name of Flove is Eau de Nil?

          Heliptrope smiled mysteriously and took his leave.


          It was indeed a pickle that Lavender had gotten herself into. Cucumber Pickle Green, and two coats of it as well, and now the client was complaining that it was the wrong shade of green.


          Eau de Nil, what could the Fellowship mean? mused Lavender as she attempted to rectify her mistake on the green shade fiasco.


          Well, mused Lavender, nil means nothing, and eau means water, so it must mean nothing water. No water? Nothing but water? What on earth could it mean?


          Perhaps I will ask Mr Ark about “Eau de Nil” mused Lavender later that evening to Harvey.

          Lavender your musing is really getting irritating. Can’t you ponder or something instead?

          Well your nasal twang gets on my nerves but do I complain? retorted Lavender, snarkily, hurt by the unexpected outburst from her friend.


          Lavender stormed off to her bedroom, and threw herself on the bed. The flu was making her irritable, and she knew she was being snarky but couldn’t seem to stop herself. She sighed, and tried to relax. Within minutes she was fast asleep, snoring like a wart hog.


          Harvey couldn’t restrain a yawn. A continuous yawn actually.
          He was quite tired after a whole day of weight-lifting with cupboards. A thing he couldn’t help despite his recent injury, and that he had barely managed to keep from Lavender’s spying.


          Oh, lifting cupbaords. For a minute I thought he was yawning about all the short comments.

          What on earth are you on about now, Heliptrope? asked Lavender, a trifle crossly.

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