F Love
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Well, said Harvey kindly after a long and thoughtful pause. Perhaps creative writing isn’t your thing Lavender.
No, I think YOU are in the wrong place, said Tina indignantly, in a low and quite sexy voice thanks to her chest congestion. We are supposed to be in DANCING course, NOT creative writing!
What would be a good last line? asked Harvey.
What for? Lavender was distracted.
I am going to try my hand at creative writing. Seeing as I can’t do my nose lifting any more. So listen:
Sputum & Pistachio, Editors At Large
Lived on the river in an old blue barge
One liked rabbits and the other liked fishWhat do you reckon?
doesn’t bloody matter they all make a tasty dish, suggested Lavender
Tina sneezed loudly and Becky glared at her.
Cover your face when you sneeze, she said snarkily. I don’t want your bloody flu.
Lavender was not really sure she understood what Harvey was talking about.
Poor thing. Does he feel like a frog with no sense of purpose? she wondered. The injury to his nose had been devastating of course, yet Lavender firmly believed that there was purpose to all things.
If you don’t believe that, then the whole system falls down, she had said to Harvey, in her sympathetic AND adorable voice.
What system is that? asked Harvey gloomily, wishing he had a voice like Lavenders. Since the accident there had been a distinct nasal twang to his voice. He thought miserably of how quickly W.A.R.P.E.D. had released him from his contract following a complaint from Sha and Glor after he had dropped the four poster bed. The additional weight of dear Lavender had just been a little too much, even for HIS nose. Not only that, he had he lost his weightlifting vocation and his good looks were also severely compromised. The surgeons had not been overly optimistic that his nose would ever completely recover.
well you weren’t really THAT good looking, said the softly voiced Lavender, hoping to cheer Harvey up.
Maybe if I throw in a mermaid or two and a bit of bondage gear, well just the odd handcuff … perhaps that would sexy it up a bit, pondered Franlise, not really wanting to taint her reputation for inner loveliness and wondering what exactly the Fell o’ Whip were wanting.
Franlise read the message from the Fellowship with mixed emotions.
The Fellowship congratulates and thanks you for your continuity work on the script. We acknowledge the extreme difficulties you contend with as you face erratic forces resistant to any form of continuity and seeking only to create meaningless threads. The Fellowship also advises the script will be even further improved if you could sexy it up a bit.
Phoebe popped her head back in the room where Mark was waiting.
“I am ever so sorry, Sheila must have left for the Cayman Islands already. Anyway, here, I found these lovely cufflinks, but really, as I am sure you will appreciate, have no use for them myself. Would you like them dear?”
Without giving the visibly bemused Mark time to refuse, Phoebe was off again.
She wondered if she had been wise giving away the cufflinks. Not to worry, she thought philosphically, I still have the handcuffs. They might come in useful at some stage.
Mark knocked tentatively.
“Sheila?” he poked his head around the door.
“Sheila? … oh excuse me!” he apologised. “I was looking for Sheila. I thought she might still be here ..”
His voice trailed off as he looked at the woman standing before him. She looked so familiar and yet he couldn’t for the life of him place her.
Bugger! thought Phoebe. This is an entertaining turn of events. What is he doing back here?
As if to answer her unspoken question Mark explained that he had missed the flight to Noo Zooland, and knew that he was making an awful mistake he would regret for the rest of his life if he did not find Sheila and see if they had a chance together. Did Phoebe know where she had gone?
Phoebe smiled kindly at the anxious and visibly lovelorn Mark.
“I think you will find she hasn’t got far. Why don’t you wait here with my parrot, Vincentius, and I will go and see if I can find her for you.”
Mark looked expectantly around the room for Vincentius, but failed to see any sign of him. “Your parrot?” he queried.
Phoebe laughed. “Silly old me! What am I like eh? Of course, Vincentius has yet to make it through the portal. Don’t worry, he will be here soon.”
She chuckled to herself as she left the room.
Sheila, hang on a moment will you? There is something I need to tell you. Actually there is no easy way to say this so I am just going to have to blurt it out.
Go on then … said Jane carefully, thinking how pale and anxious Mark looked, and wondering if she should tell him her name was not Sheila. She resisted a sudden impulse to reach out and adjust the toupee which had fallen slightly forward on his forehead.
Although, as you will be aware, I am visibly attracted to you .. I am leaving tomorrow on a mission across the ditch to Noo Zooland.
Noo Zooland! Jane gasped. That godforsaken place!
Yes, unfortunately so. I have been asked to investigate an outbreak of the flu on a peanut farm. It is dangerous work Sheila, amongst the savages of Noo Zooland, and I don’t know how long I will be away for. The quarantine regulations are ridiculously strict. What else can you expect of a little backwater like Noo Zooland eh?
So this is goodbye? her voice trembled.
I am afraid so. At least for now. But I will never forget you, Sheila.
Franlise was pondering the distorted image she knew Ann had of her. Of course Ann was perhaps not the best judge of character. Her seven failed marriages bore testament to that indisputable fact.
It is a bloody good thing, she mused, that I am so confident of my own inner loveliness. All these disparaging remarks could really begin to get me down otherwise.
Casting an admiring sideways glance at herself in the large, and somewhat dusty, mirror hanging from the wall in Ann’s office, she hurried off for her 3pm meeting with the Fellowship.
Bitch, muttered Ann to herself after Franlise left the room. How could any one person be endowed with such outward beautiy and inward loveliness in such an unsubtle way?
Perhaps I will call my next chapter “The Subtlety of the Tarty Cleaner”. Not really having any idea what this meant, the thought still managed to lift Ann’s spirits considerably. She felt particularly vindicated when she saw the title of the the great philospher Leemoon’s latest book:
Belabouring Fools of the Continuity Paradigm
Exactly! stupid tarty belabouring fool of a cleaner!
Franlise felt a change of energy and wondered if Dhurga was practising araiki movements. She certainly hoped so as she knew they were powerful movements and would help him express his intention. And when Dhurga expressed his intention and followed the flow of energy, the physical reality would match naturally and he would be provided for.
And Franlise firmly believed what was good for one was good for many.
She chuckled to herself upon overhearing Ann’s conversation with Godfrey in Noo Zooland. She had offered to proof Ann’s writings in order to give her easy access to the writings. It seemed prudent to leave the odd typo in order to allay suspicion .. after all she was only a cleaner.
Franlise had an outward beauty which matched the sweet loveliness of her inner being. Yes, she was a vision of pure loveliness, and many gallant knight had attempted to woo her away from her cleaning job. But Franlise knew that it was here, amongst the filth and dust of Ann’s office, that her true work was done. By day a cleaner, by night she toiled endlessly weaving Anne’s words into works of beauty. Words which would then go out into the world and give solace to many a despondent and lonely reader. To know that her words gave hope where once there was despair was all the thanks that Franlise needed.
Of course no one must know it was Franlise who was the true author. The Fellowship had insisted when they gave Franlise her mission that her part be kept hidden. Being humble, as well as outwardly beautiful and inwardly lovely, Franlise was happy to obey the wishes of the Fellowship in this matter. Besides, she knew that if Ann were to find out the truth, the pour deranged creature would probably be driven to place of complete madness.
Franlise shuddered at the thought.
Franlise smiled gently to herself when she read Anne’s latest offerings. She was well used to making sense of the distorted and twisted words poor Ann worked so hard upon. Many might call them utter rubbish, but Franlise was a kindly soul, who was content to be seen as a cleaner by those who cared to look no further, and it would not be in her sweet nature to dismiss the works of another as “utter rubbish”, however bizarre those works may be.
Jeeze, the little brats have stopped me from getting me beauty sleep looking for the darn eggletons! Shar was seating outside sipping her cup of tea while conversing with her old friend Glor.
I was about to tell you the same Shar!… i need my beauty kip. Yer niece and nephew… Holly Molly…
Niece and nephew… what you on about? The nephewer the merrier if you ask me
As if we not got enough with them prescription drugs from the bathroom cabinet stopping us from sleeping!
Want to see them comin’ near our beds those!
Oh no, not our beds! Glor recoiled in horror.
Stupid drugs… Better for ‘em not come close when I’m ‘ere, or we’ll have to learn how to sleep standing!
Wouldn’t like to see your hump sleeping standing!
Not hump,… haunch, silly! Wouldn’t be so good anyway covered with blankets… Shar lost her trail of thought in remembrance of her past bedroom encounters.
A sudden crack in the nearby potting shed raised the ample bottom of the one named Glor in alarm.
Harvey cursed when he dropped the bed, which hit the floor with a loud crack.
Hopefully nobody had heard him! although it was rather unlikely. He particularly didn’t wish to alert the two ladies, his new employers Miss Sharon and Miss Gloria, to his interest in weightlifting. Harvey was working undercover for the World Association Requiring Prompt Eradication of Dreaming ( Dream Order: Newbie), otherwise known as W.A.R.P.E.D. The New Dream Order had spent considerable time and expense training robots to infiltrate bedrooms everywhere on the planet in a concerted effort to wipe out superfluous and unnecessary sleep, which had been the scourge of the planet for generations. The planet had reached crisis point with the abundance of sleep, mainly in the hysteria and confusion that had resulted when a fictional account of The Magical Nightmare, which had been published in the old Reality Times newpaper. It had caused widespread panic as the populace began trying to nap on everything in sight in a frantic attempt to control The Nightmare.
Harvey had been employed by the two ladies ostensibly as a butler. Conveniently for Harvey, the pair of old slappers had not had the luxury of staff in their hitherto adventurous, albeit common lives, and were blissfully unaware of Harvey’s many improprieties and errors. Whenever Harvey behaved oddly, the two ladies would remark “One simply can’t get the staff these days, my dear”, followed by a bit of thigh slapping and raucous laughter
