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“Don’t push me,” snapped Finnley. “Yes Godfrey, I believe picking up rubbish is in my job description. Your job description … well buggered if I know what you do around here,” she said snarkily, perversely annoyed at being telepathically described as ‘the maid’. “Give me that rubbish immediately and I will deal with it,” she commanded, making a grab for Godfrey’s hand. “You go and help LIz with Roberto. And whatever you do, don’t let the blighter jump 3 times in the air and shout stickum lute putty. ”
“Who are you?” whispered Godfrey, keeping a firm grasp on the scraps of paper, aided perhaps by the fact that the honey was adhering them to his hand. “You are not the Finnley we know and … well, the Finnley we know. Is that cucumber on your face really a disguise? What have you done with Finnley?”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” said Finnley, rolling her eyes.
“Help!” screamed Liz. “He’s trying to jump!”
“HELP ME!” Liz shouted over her shoulder, while simultaneously grabbing the back of the gardeners trousers with one hand, and attempting to floogle the phrase stickum lute putty on her pocket device with the other hand. What in tarnation did it mean? Probably some ancient tribal voodoo Finnley had picked up during her sojourn in the nether regions of the planet.
Roberto struggled to escape the vice like grip on his belt, but Liz’s grip was firm. Godfrey charged across the lawn like like a wild boar to assist with the detention of the errant gardener and gripped Roberto’s shoulder firmly. The sticky shreds of paper in Godfrey’s hand stuck to the gardeners denim shirt like glue. Roberto wrenched himself free, sending Godfrey flying into the herbaceous border, and leaving Liz holding an empty pair of jeans in her hand. Focusing on the information now showing on her pocket information device ~ an aboriginal dreamwalker teleport code ~ it was a moment before Liz realized that she was no longer detaining the gardener but merely holding his trousers. Of Roberto, there was no sign.
Godfrey, sitting in amongst the delphiniums, was looking as pale as Finnley after the cucumber mask. Although Liz had missed the sight of the gardener sans trews, Godfrey had not.
“An imposter!” he cried. “That was no Roberto, that was Roberta Slack! A WOMAN!”
“Tututut,” the Head Cackler tutted in between cackles. “Don’t think you are wiggling out of this wedlock, merely by bending your gardener’s gender. Can’t let that awful cousin Badul win, can we. Nor can we let all those crates of carrot champagne go to waste…”
Speaking of the devil, that was the moment where a screeching car braked on the gravel of the front door. No sooner had Finnley rushed to the door than it flung open to reveal…
“Hello Darlings!” the infamous and morbidly herself Lady Badul Trump Smith Saint-John Ringo Duchamp Clooney née Belette appeared in a ready to burst red silicone dress.
Finnley deadpanned “Madam Badul… What a joy.”
“You can call me Bubbles darling, everybody does.”“There’s a visitor in the drawing room by the name of Bubbles, your highness,” Finnley said with a mock curtsy.
“What on earth are you doing down there, Finnley, pretending to be a red dwarf again? Do act you age and get up at once! Now then, never mind old Bubbles, just make sure she has plenty of carrot champagne and peanuts while she waits. There is something we need to discuss.” Liz was uncharacteristically businesslike. “Something has gone horribly wrong and it will only get worse if we don’t nip it in the bud.”
“Oh?”
“This,” said Liz with a grand sweep of her arm, “This is my haven. This thread is sacrosanct. This is where the stories come from. This is not,” she glared sternly at the diminutive personage before her, “Not where the stories come TO. I’ve just about had enough of stories and other threads knocking on my door and sitting on my threadbare sofas quaffing carrot champagne at the expense of the tranquility I require in which to direct my characters.”
“I see. Shall I tell her to bugger off then?”
“I haven’t finished my diatribe!”
“Oh, right ho then. Carry on.”
“How am I supposed to keep the characters entertained and productive, not to mention in their own stories and not blundering about haphazardly, with all these interruptions?”
“If I may be so bold as to interrupt Madam,” interrupted Finnley with another curtsy, “Why don’t you just delete them all?”
“Don’t be silly, I never delete.”
“You simply can’t imagine the shock when I realized it was my character,” Liz told Godfrey moments later.
“There was one other thing, Your Majesty…”
“Finnley, what on earth is the matter with you?” Interrupted Liz.
“Well, that’s what I’m trying to tell you. I’m going to a party in another story tonight, it’s Funley’s leaving do over on the Cakltown thread. It’s a fancy dress party. The theme is Hierarchy, and I’m practicing groveling.”
“But it’s not your night off! You can’t go!”
But it was too late. Finnley had already thread jumped.
She’ll never be any good at groveling, that one. Far too big for her boots, sniffed Liz.
“Oh yes, big boots. Very large foot size that Finnley,” murmered Godfrey distractedly.
“Are you listening to me, Godfrey? This is my thread and I demand that you listen to me no matter how much I prattle on incessantly about nothing of any importance. That is precisely what this thread is for.”
But Godfrey did not reply. He sat staring gloomily into the distance. Truth was, he couldn’t get Dido out of his mind; he had wanted to be the one to rescue her from her concrete prison and he would have if it had not been for that damned Roberto. Or was it Roberta?
But once again I fell short, he thought disconsolately.
“Cheer up, old bean,” Liz said kindly, reading his mind. “There’s a rendezvous at the Absinthe Cafe soon. Aunt Idle (and I do often wonder why you all insist on calling her Dido; it’s nothing more than a deliberate confusion tactic for the poor reader) will teleport over. It’s a fancy dress party, and my suggestion Godfrey is that you dress up as a particularly dashing superhero, in tights. She won’t be able to take her eyes off you.”
“Back so soon?” inquired Liz, raising an eyebrow. “Oh, I say! Had too much to drink, have we?”
Finnley lurched into the wall, knocking a picture of Big Ben onto the sideboard, where it landed on the domed carriage clock, which started to chime hashazardly.
(Liz couldn’t help chortling at the spelling mistake, if not the irony)
Trying to regain her balance, Finnley ricocheted into the sofa, ending up face down on top of a pile of old Chisp magazines.
“I was enjoying a quiet night thread sitting alone, as a matter of fact,” Liz sighed. “ I’ll ring the bell and have someone come and remove you. Before you pass out, have we got any more staff, do you know? Who shall I call?”
“Who d’ya think yeeeeer are’?” Finnley slurred, jabbing a finger into the pile of chisp magazines. “Gerroff me!”
“You rang, madam?” asked the butler, adjusting his oversized blue turban.
“Ah, Lazuli! How are you settling in?” asked Liz.
“I’ve only just been written into this thread, madam, moments ago. Do I have to call you madam?”
“Only when you want to be rude, according to Finnley,” Liz said, glancing fondly at the unconscious cleaner.
“This thread appears to be going nowhere, madam,” Lazuli remarked thoughtfully.
“I can write Fanella into it if you like,” Liz quickly tried to entice him to stay.
Lazuli Galore’s eyes lit up. “Did somebody mention something about sexing the story up a bit?” he asked hopefully. “We’d be the perfect characters for that.”
“Well, if its ok with Finnley, it’s ok with me. If you can wake her, we can ask her now.”
“Hasn’t Finnley woken up yet?” inquired Liz politely, but nobody heard her. They were all asleep. “Bloody time zone renegades.” She looked around the room at the snoring dribbling disheveled team. A plan to rouse them started forming in her mind.
“Well … go on then … what is this plan?” asked Nobody with interest, being the only one who heard Liz mumbling rudely.
“A plan surely bound to flounder miserably, as always” was Anybody’s guess.
“What was it about anyway?”Somebody was eavesdropping on the lacklustre conversation between Anybody and Nobody, although, as surely Everybody would agree, it was hardly gripping.
Better an oft repeated literary predicament than no literature at all, remarked Somebody, to Nobody in particular.
Don’t look at me, retorted Nobody with a sniff. I am not just Anybody, you know.
Liz gasped and almost choked on her soda mojito when she saw Godfrey’s strange attire.
“Where the hell are you doing like that ?” asked Liz.
“There is that party in another thread. The dresscode is Bring your Codpiece. As I didn’t have one, I asked Sandro the new gardener for some advice.”
“Why?” asked Liz speechless.
“Oh! My therapist told me I needed to get in touch with my manliness and Sandro is Hispanic, they are known to being manly.”
“Do you really think watermelon rind is a good choice?”“It’s not very comfortable” admitted Godfrey.
“I’m toying with the idea of introducing it as a new trend in the other thread.”
“I say, Liz, that’s just cruel! Making all the male characters waddle around wearing codpieces, and not be able to scratch and fumble with the actual cod?”
“On second thoughts,” replied Liz, “Maybe I won’t. I dread to think where this is leading.”
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