A crew of actors in strange movie productions and epic cinematic journeys.
So the Story goes...
The mummy opened her eyes.
She had that uncomfortable feeling… hunger that’s it… she was very hungry.
She wondered a moment how to open the sarcophagus and just imagined it open.
She went out slowly… regaining slowly her bodily sensations.
A voice in the dark:
— CUUUUT! It’s lousy guys. We shoot another one…
— Oh, shit dudes! Not another one! It’s hot under these bandages!
The mummy was having some difficulties to see through the bandages… and the dim light wasn’t helping either… the colors were weird too.. the quality of the air seemed different too… everything seemed different.
Who was she? Was she a she? She had difficulties to remember too.
A voice sniggered in the dark. That must have been the 57th take on that scene.
The mummy farted…
Oops… how was that possible?
Oops, it farted again!
— Ahahaha, I’m sorry, that must be the sauerkraut we had for lunch!
— You’re kiddin’ or what? I tell you for the 58 th time, it’s supposed to be a dramatic scene filled with suspended horror and… Shite! Perhaps you’d prefer to have it Broadway-like, Teri sweetie? With parrot feathers jabbed into your bum and fairies dangling from the roof singing La Traviata?…
— Err… You can say that’s because of the fermentation gas produced by the mould inside the mummy, and that her reviving her physiological tissues would naturally generate…
— Who the hell is that f*cking know-it-all?
— I’m the historical consultant, John Davis
— Historical WHAT? Betty’s gonna hear me, I can tell ya, as if we’ve got ‘nuff budget to bother with… Aaah, get lost! Now, everyone get ready for the… Ooooh bugger! Let’s do it tomorrow.
Marvin Scrozzezi went to his caravan exasperated. The movie wasn’t going very well, and there were all these impossible deadlines… His worst concern was about the damn budget. He’d thought it was a good idea to hire that expensive castle to do the movie. An adaptation from a book he had found recently.
He had bargained with the author to get the rights, and that had been tough, considering his previous movies were not quite that kind of great historical epic he was supposed to do now.
At least she had not laughed when Marvin had told her his most successful movie was The Return of the Avenging Dame Zombie of the Lake…
What a mess… Sure a good night of sleep would make it all right.
Marvin Scrozzezi was considering a script that had been sent to him by his friend.
Betty, his assistant, had insisted that he reads it…
Seeing his current movie, it couldn’t be any worse in any case.
The title of the script cracked him up.
Ogregan, the Origeans
Marvin giggled, almost spluttering his smoking chai on the script.
He started to read the first paragraphs.
FADE IN: EXT. WOODS A big humphing man plunges into the woods. Twigs slap at him, but the sound of gunfires keeps him going. Sheriff Marshall is taking the lead, but an auburn haired man plunges into the woods before him, followed by one dark-haired one. They are obviously brothers. The older one is ELVIN STREWN, he is following his younger brother with the lopsided hair, JAY STREWN. JAY is shooting at the fugitive, ALDO MC GALLIGAN, a local mobster known as the OGREGAN. Gunfire explodes in trees near the STREWN brothers, shot at them by MC GALLIGAN, and they dive and roll into hiding under a palisade.
Interesting stuff, wonders Marvin… That mobster looks like a fascinating character…
Flipping though the script he found page 57 another catching bit of reading…
DISSOLVE TO: EXT. PROSPERITY BANK ; SHOT of a Texan bank on a quiet street. INT. PROSPERITY BANK There are three customers, male. Enters a MOTHER and her SON. TELLER#1: What can I do for you Mrs MC GALLIGAN? MRS GALLIGAN to her SON who is drawing on her dress: ALDO, will you keep still for a moment, good for nothing!
Pfff, Marvin sighed, feeling bored.
Not long after, he was sound asleep, snoring loudly on the comfortable chair.
She put her tutu back on her generous breast and looked around her at all those naked actors…
She was weary of this life as a porn star. Her wig, she won’t loose her again, her blond wig…
When she was young she was a cootch dancer, and it wasn’t really much better but at least her father could protect her.
Now she was alone, facing all those brutes.
“Fancy a cuppa, Sue?” Norm asked.
Sue Flay accepted gratefully. “Yeah, Norm, a cuppa sounds nice”. What a day it had been.
“Mad bunch of nutters, this lot, eh?” Norm smiled ruefully.
“I should say so!” replied Sue. “Are all movie people as wacky as this?”
It was Sue Flay’s first venture into movies, although she was already famous as the singer with the Ova Tones, the popular all girl band.
“No, they’re not” replied Norm. “Frankly, no, they are not this mad usually. This is a decidedly odd bunch, if you ask me”.
“Oooh” said Sue, momentarily speechless. “Hhmmmm”.
“Nice cuppa, Norm, what kind is it? Doesn’t taste like Typhoo” asked Sue.
“Oh, it’s a herbal one I think, let me see” said Norm, rummaging in the bin for the wrapper. “Never seem to get a cup of ordinary tea these days, it’s all herbal stuff. Here it is: Siberian Watermelon and Mushroom”.
“Tastes quite nice” replied Sue, holding her cup out for a refill.
But now, the blooper section was overweighting the “real” movie by far. And with the defection of few of the actors (well, “actors” was more of an empty shell of a title than anything else, as most of them were friends or acquaintances), he had to hire new ones.
What a mess.
Perhaps he should continue his movie with different actors playing the same role alternatively. That would make a nice change. Perhaps it would even been hailed as a pioneer movie by the auteur movies snotty critics.
“Whatever works…” he giggled to himself as he started to rewrite some parts of the scripts.
But Norm was nowhere to be found. He’d stumbled upon an unexpected problem while filming T’Eggy & Phlynn with Sue Flay ~ a problem too embarrassing to mention, and one he could hardly keep a secret, given the nature of the P Movie. He’d managed to excuse himself during the last scene, feigning illness, but what if it happened again today?
“You’re focusing on what you don’t want again, Norm.” The voice made him jump. He’d thought he was alone in the treehouse, he thought no-one would find him hiding there in the leafy depths of the spinney, high up in the foliage. He looked around, wondering where the voice was coming from.
“You haven’t generated me physical, Norm, but you can if you wish” the voice said.
“How do I do that?” asked Norm.
“Allow, that’s all” the voice replied.
“Oh what rubbish!” Norm said in an agitated whisper. “What stupid advice!”
“Ha ha ha! As you wish, my friend” replied the voice, sounding rather amused.
“If you hadn’t just given me such stupid advice I might have felt more inclined to ask you for some advice about this awful problem” Norm whispered crossly.
“Are you asking me for advice or not?”
“Well if you’ve got anything USEFUL to say, then say it!”
“If you go down to the garden today,
You’re sure to have a surprise.
There’s a herb growing there and you don’t have to pay,
It’s growing in front of your eyes.
The magic you see is everywhere
It never runs out of stock
Go down to the garden, if you dare….”
“I asked you for advice, not a daft bloody poem!” Norm hissed.
“You wish to be hard as a rock?”
“YES!” spat Norm in frustration, blushing furiously. What’s the friggen garden got to do with it?”
“There’s a herb in the garden called Horny Goat “
“Oh PulEASE…..” Norm rolled his eyes.
“Horny Goat Weed will do the trick.
And straighten up your droopy…”
“ENOUGH! Good Grief, I get the message. What am I supposed to DO with it, roll in it? Eat it? Smoke it?”
“It matters not, my friend. That’s the magic of it all. You can choose any method”
“Are you sure about this?” asked Norm, who was willing to try anything at this point. “How do I know I can trust you?”
“Ha ha ha! Trust youSELF, Norm!”
“Who are you anyway?” Norm asked suspiciously.
But the voice chuckled and faded, leaving Norm in a quandary in the treehouse.
“Oh bugger it, I may as well give it a go. I can’t stay here forever, and anyway, I’ve run out of cigarettes.”
Norm climbed down the tree and marched over to the the film crew.
“Would you like some soup? We put lots of fresh herbs in it from the garden.”
Marvin Scrozzezi was thinking he should really start to find a more suitable title for the movie…
Teri, one of the actresses he had in mind for the much desired role of Finnley, —in fact the actress, that he had almost wrote the part having her in mind— had refused to audition because of the script’s working title with that undignified ‘R—’ word (a hint to the reader, it’s not what you think)…
He was thinking… French people had romantic and colourful ways of expressing the same thing… sweeping the chimney, leaking the leek… Argh… forget it…
He wasn’t sure that “T’Eggy Finds a Big Butternut Squash” would be better either.
He really sucked at finding titles.
Emile Merrick was an insurance agent sent by the well know Handy Hindy Trust.
Some incidents declared by the director were quite suspicious and they had decided to carry out an investigation in the shooting scene.
He was to apply as an actor for the movie. Apparently, they were looking for a body double for one of the second role gardener.
Being directly in the action would help him find clues more quickly for sure.